July, 2001 Monthly Feature : Each month I have been putting together some of my favourites to share with you. Archives
Independence Day
[Freedom above all !
Independence - what a marvellous, awesome, frightening word. Like most really good revolutions, my independence required a full-blown war to jump-start it, followed by a year or so of chaos. Perhaps it is easier for some people - coming out of a bad relationship, being single (a single parent at that) - for me though, independence was a new concept, and one that it took me nearly two years to realise emotionally. It wasn't the event, but the process, that was a strong catalyst for self-discovery, change, and growth.
The first few months I managed to not cope at all. I kept myself occupied with other things and other thoughts (volunteer work, mostly) and just waited for answers to come along. Then denial stopped working and reality demanded my attention. Learning to budget for a family, trying to be both father and mother to three children, looking for a job with no experience or practical skills, stumbling over any number of obstacles and obstructions (none of which I had foreseen), coping with other family members and their trauma concerning the break-up, and forever having to deal with "the ex" - all these things occupied my every waking moment. Six months of that, and I was in high panic mode, consumed with guilt over the trauma my children were going through, feeling powerless to help them heal, and looking at the reality of a very frightening financial situation - I seriously doubted my ability to cope with any of it, and there were many days I would have joined the first band of roving gypsies that passed by (have you ever wanted to run away and join the circus?). During this year I spent a lot of time and energy being "right" and waiting for life to be "fair". It isn't.
Slowly, in the year that followed, things began to fall into place. Belatedly following the best advice I'd been given, I let lawyers begin taking care of some of the biggest problems. Freeing myself from having to talk to the ex about money or the house was one of the best things I could have done for myself (and for the children too). Declaring bankruptcy - as painful as it was, ensured that I would be able to keep a roof over our heads and keep my ex's creditors away from my door. Finding my first real grown-up job (getting paid to do the things I used to do for free!), and realising that being out of the house and in the larger world actually felt good. Making one small decision at a time (nearly as often wrong as right), and taking one small step at a time; I rediscovered myself, and my relationship with my children and with the world I live in.
It's been nearly two years now. The divorce is still not final, but the lawyer is taking care of that now, so I'll leave him to it. I have a relationship with someone wonderful who makes me smile on a regular basis, the children are well into the process of healing, and most of my bills get paid every month. These are all pretty important, but the greatest assets I now own are all intangible: finding my own sense of power and control, the plan I've created for the future (along with the knowledge that I can make it happen), a stockpile of resources and strength I never knew I had - these are the unlooked for bonuses that make independence sweet.
Happy Independence Day !
K.M.G.
|
As I Walk These Broad Majestic Days
As I walk these broad majestic days of peace,
(For the war, the struggle of blood finish'd, wherein, O terrific Ideal,
Against vast odds erewhile having gloriously won,
Now thou stridest on, yet perhaps in time toward denser wars,
Perhaps to engage in time in still more dreadful contests, dangers,
Longer campaigns and crises, labors beyond all others,)
Around me I hear that eclat of the world, politics, produce,
The announcements of recognized things, science,
The approved growth of cities and the spread of inventions.
I see the ships, (they will last a few years,)
The vast factories with their foremen and workmen,
And hear the indorsement of all, and do not object to it.
But I too announce solid things,
Science, ships, politics, cities, factories, are not nothing,
Like a grand procession to music of distant bugles pouring,
triumphantly moving, and grander heaving in sight,
They stand for realities--all is as it should be.
Then my realities;
What else is so real as mine?
Libertad and the divine average, freedom to every slave on the face
of the earth,
The rapt promises and lumine of seers, the spiritual world, these
centuries-lasting songs,
And our visions, the visions of poets, the most solid announcements
of any.
Walt Whitman |
1In MP3 format. If you are unable to play this file, check out WINAMP. This is a very good MP3 player from Nullsoft, Inc. that you can download today.
